Esmé Squalor Quotes

I’m going to need a little while to figure out what to wear. It’s not “in” to burn down a secret headquarters without wearing a fashionable outfit.

This baby doesn’t stop complaining, no matter how many times I pinch her.[about Sunny]

I love a happy ending. It’s like Wuthering Heights, which I never read.

You’re short for a volunteer, but I’ve always said reading stunts your growth.

When I was 14, I was crowned False Spring Queen. We had this whole ceremony with my Snow Scout troupe at the top of a mountain. They did a little dance around a pole. It’s where I discovered my love of pole dancing. Then, on the way back down the mountain, we stayed in a cave full of hibernating bears. Which, incidentally, is when I discovered my great love of fur.

Starving people can’t eat money. Plus, if we give money to poor people, then they won’t be poor anymore, and we won’t have anyone to feel sorry for.

People don’t always get what they deserve in this world.

It’s not my fault, darling, you know I hate to read.[Count Olaf: We must’ve made a wrong turn at that fork. Somebody read the map wrong.]

Eating far too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.

Being righteous and well-read never gets you anywhere.

Sleep is a natural part of life, like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.

Revenge is like making sausages. If you do it right, you can ruin someone’s breakfast.