I just made a choice. I am gonna be all alone for the rest of my life. That’s what I just decided in a five-minute phone call. Amazing, isn’t it?
Ah, well, I’m Jewish. When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.[Father O’Brien: I’ve known Mary all her life. I baptized her when she was just a week old.]
You’ve heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences.
You never ask a girl “How old are you?” or “How much do you weigh?” or “Do you love your ex-husband?”[to Shy]
You know, you come to Vegas and you gamble. And my question is, is life not enough of a risk for you people? Have you never walked through a wet field in high heels at an outdoor wedding? Or put on mascara in a moving car? Or said to your mother, “What do you think?” You really need to look for more risk?
You know how there are times in your life when things seem to be going great? And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you round the corner, and bam, someone steps in and f***s it the f*** up? And you never saw it coming because you were too busy being happy. And I know, that’s life. S*** happens. You should be a bigger man and just let it go. Well, I’m a woman, so f*** that.
Yes. Married.[Joel Maisel: Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and you suddenly realize you’re not?]
Women are supposed to be mothers. It’s supposed to be natural. It comes with the t*ts, right? The equipment is pre-installed.
We have children. We will have to see each other forever. Until we are dead. And then for four to six months after.[to Joel]
There’s the saying often attributed to our great prophet Abraham: “Anything you can do… isn’t all that interesting to me.”