I don’t want to wear champagne. It’s not a color. It’s what happens when white gets sad.[about her second wedding]
Ah, well, I’m Jewish. When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.[Father O’Brien: I’ve known Mary all her life. I baptized her when she was just a week old.]
You’ve heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences.
Yes. Married.[Joel Maisel: Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and you suddenly realize you’re not?]
Women are supposed to be mothers. It’s supposed to be natural. It comes with the t*ts, right? The equipment is pre-installed.
We have children. We will have to see each other forever. Until we are dead. And then for four to six months after.[to Joel]
Then you’ll fit right into our family.[Benjamin Ettenberg: I’ve heard absolutely nothing from your father and I’m going insane.]
I’m really glad to be back in New York City, my home. Where I have so many friends, who hate me. So much family, who are disappointed in me. Where my children live, until they abandon me. That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.