Why do women have to pretend to be something that they’re not? Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we’re not stupid? Why do we have to pretend to be helpless when we’re not helpless? Why do we have to pretend to be sorry when we have nothing to be sorry about? Why do we have to pretend we’re not hungry when we’re hungry?
It’s the bras. And the girdles and the corsets, all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain, so you walk around on the verge of passing out, and you look at your husband, and he tells you things, and you just believe them.
I don’t want to wear champagne. It’s not a color. It’s what happens when white gets sad.[about her second wedding]
All that applause for me? What am I, putting out after? One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.
You’ve heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences.
You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal you’re perfectly reasonable and they’re a jerk? And then the argument actually happens and they’re reasonable but that’s not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk?
Yes. Married.[Joel Maisel: Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and you suddenly realize you’re not?]