Why do women have to pretend to be something that they’re not? Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we’re not stupid? Why do we have to pretend to be helpless when we’re not helpless? Why do we have to pretend to be sorry when we have nothing to be sorry about? Why do we have to pretend we’re not hungry when we’re hungry?
All that applause for me? What am I, putting out after? One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.
You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal you’re perfectly reasonable and they’re a jerk? And then the argument actually happens and they’re reasonable but that’s not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk?
That’s my suitcase. You going to leave me with my suitcase?[to Joel]
It’s the bras. And the girdles and the corsets, all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain, so you walk around on the verge of passing out, and you look at your husband, and he tells you things, and you just believe them.
It’s downtown. If you have underwear on, you’re overdressed.
Is it really necessary to be that beautiful? Because frankly, it’s incredibly unfair. It’s not enough that women have to compete with other women, now men are getting in the mix? You can’t have it all. You can’t run the world and have all the pretty underwear, too. The competition wasn’t stiff enough with the hoards of slutty secretaries roaming the Earth?
I don’t want to wear champagne. It’s not a color. It’s what happens when white gets sad.[about her second wedding]
The world is full of disappointments, and sometimes people let you down. You can’t just run away.
Tell that to a dog.[Rose Weissman: Bathrooms and parks are not the same.]
My mother first told me to keep my knees closed until there’s a ring on my finger in the Catskills. Actually, she told me it was biologically impossible to have sex without a ring on your finger. Guess what, Mom, it’s not.
If women don’t realize what’s going on in the world, they won’t step in and fix it.
