Abe Weissman Quotes

Life isn’t fair. It’s hard and cruel. You have to pick your friends as if there’s a war going on. You want a husband who’ll take a bullet for you, not one who points to the attic and says “They’re up there.”[to Midge]

Sometimes I tune people out, but mostly because they rarely have anything useful or interesting to say.

Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault.

Just because there is a door does not mean you use it. A door does not represent infinite possibilities.

I still control this house! I’m just doing it from in there.

All right, everybody. Time’s up. Put your papers on my desk if they contain the correct answers. Otherwise, just don’t.[to his students]

You know, I woke up several times in the night thinking I’d imagined what I saw. Maybe someone slipped something into my drink. Lysergic acid. That’s a drug that makes you hallucinate. See colors, monsters, daughters saying horrible things on a showroom stage in front of a thousand people. It’s impossible, what I saw.[to Midge]

To be truly effective, you must be ugly.

Miriam, I have to go. I just heard the words “potato salad.” There’s only so much a man can take in his own house.

It’s awfully quick, your courtship. Anything I should know that will certainly kill her mother?[to Benjamin]

If you ever threaten my daughter again, I will punch you right in the nose. It won’t hurt. I’m not strong. But, at the very least, you will be embarrassed that you got punched in the nose by a not-strong mathematician. You really want to mess with me? Go ahead. Take your best shot. And then you will find out what Abe Weissman is truly made of.