The absolute worst part of depression is that even though you know you’re depressed, you’re unable to stop yourself from getting worse.
That’s the thing with guys like Nate. They don’t actually want a person. They want something they can own and possess.
Real love is when you can’t exist without someone, when you’d rather die than be apart. And the whole world goes dark and nothing else matters but the person standing in front of you.
The other thing about depression is it kind of collapses time. Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.
Drugs are kind of cool. I mean, they’re cool before they wreck your skin. And your life. And your family. That’s when they get uncool. It’s actually a very narrow window of cool.
If I could be a different person, I promise you, I would. Not because I want it, but because they do. And therein lies the catch.
I don’t remember much between the ages of eight and twelve. Just that the world moved fast and my brain moved slow. And every now and then, if I focused too closely on the way I breathed, I’d die. Until every second of every day, you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.