It seems, however, I really am the luckiest guy in the world. Several years of addiction right in the middle of an epidemic, surrounded by the living dead. But not me. I’m negative. It’s official. And once the pain goes away, that’s when the real battle starts. Depression, boredom… You feel so f***ing low, you want to f***ing top yourself.
This was to be my final hit. But let’s be clear about this. There’s final hits and final hits. What kind was this to be?
Personality. I mean, that’s what counts, right? Personality. That’s what keeps a relationship going through the years. Like heroin. I mean, heroin’s got a great f***ing personality.
People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that s***e, which is not to be ignored. But what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t do it. After all, we’re not f***ing stupid. Well, at least, we’re not that f***ing stupid. Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you’re still nowhere near it. When you’re on junk, you have only one worry: scoring. When you’re off it, you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other s***e. Got no money: can’t get pi**ed. Got money: drinking too much. Can’t get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never f***ing wins, about human relationships and all of the things that really don’t matter when you’ve got a sincere and truthful junk habit.
Now, I’ve justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn’t a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we’d outgrown each other. You know, that sort of thing. But let’s face it, I ripped them off. My so-called mates. But Begbie, I couldn’t give a s*** about him. And Sick Boy, he’d have done the same to me if he’d only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud. He never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I’m a bad person, but that’s gonna change. I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on. Going straight and choosing life. I’m looking forward to it already. I’m gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the f***ing big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.
No matter how much you stash or how much you steal, you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and f*** people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again.
It’s s***e being Scottish! We’re the lowest of the low. The scum of the f***ing Earth. The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever sh*t into civilization. Some people hate the English. I don’t. They’re just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can’t even find a decent culture to be colonized by. We’re ruled by effete a***holes. It’s a s***e state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won’t make any f***ing difference!
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f***ing big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f***ing fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the f*** you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f***ing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f***ed-up brats you have spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?