The 15 Funniest Tony Soprano Quotes

Livia Soprano: Well, all I know is, daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep1: Pilot

Christopher Moltisanti: What about the dead guy?
Tony Soprano: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to Saint Anthony. But I think you’re f***ed.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep2: 46 Long

What do you study in India? How not to get diarrhea?Tony Soprano, (to Meadow), S1.Ep5: College

Being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on Route 22.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep5: College

I’m f***ing King Midas in reverse, here. Everything I touch turns to s***.Tony Soprano, (to Jennifer), S1.Ep12: Isabella

Uncle Jun and I, we had our problems with the business. But I never should have asked him about eating p***y. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep13: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano

Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal.
Tony Soprano: Well, they’re not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep13: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano

Artie Bucco: Look me in the eye. Tell me you didn’t lay a finger on my place!
Tony Soprano: I didn’t burn down your restaurant. I swear on my mother.Tony Soprano, S1.Ep13: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano

Ten years you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister.Tony Soprano, (to Richie), S2.Ep5: Big Girls Don't Cry

When you’re married, you’ll understand the importance of fresh produce.Tony Soprano, (to Christopher), S2.Ep7: D-Girl

A.J. Soprano: It’s in my history book.
Tony Soprano: So, you finally read a book and it’s bulls***.Tony Soprano, S4.Ep3: Christopher

Must be a gay book. Billy Budd’s the ship’s florist, right?Tony Soprano, S4.Ep12: Eloise

What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747.Tony Soprano, S5.Ep4: All Happy Families

Fran Felstein: I was sorry to hear about your mother.
Tony Soprano: At least she didn’t suffer. She made all of us suffer, instead.Tony Soprano, S5.Ep7: In Camelot

Tony Soprano: You know what they say, “Revenge is like serving cold cuts.”
Jennifer Melfi: I think it’s, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
Tony Soprano: So, what’d I say?Tony Soprano, S5.Ep10: Cold Cuts