Ted Quotes

There’s nothing shameful about human sexuality.[Blaire Bennett]You’ve never been in a strip club when the lights come on.[Matty Bennett]

The key to not getting hurt in a fight is staying loose, like a drunk guy in an accident. That’s why the Kennedys are always fine after they f*** up their cars.[to John]

That’s my special power, helping people who need me. Making them happy is what makes me happy.[to Blaire]

Thanks, Blaire. Now he’s going to have to grow a mustache.[Ted]Oh, that’s going to limit my career choices.[John Bennett]Yeah, he’s going to have to be a cop or a fireman.[Ted]Oh, those are dangerous jobs.[John Bennett]

Our boy has been invited to the prom.[Ted]What? Are you serious?[Blaire Bennett]Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Invited? She invited you?[Matty Bennett]Yeah.[John Bennett]See that, Susan? Still think the Clintons are harmless?[Matty Bennett]

My family is f***еd, every one of them. In case you don’t get the scope of things, my dad, your Uncle Bernie, is a drunk and an a**hole, my mom’s a psycho lunatic, and my brother’s in prison.[Blaire Bennett]Jesus. What about your dog?[Ted]Dead.[Blaire Bennett]F***.[Ted]

Men and women have different parts, and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. Just give the motor a minute to warm up. If you gun it, you’re gonna blow a gasket, seize up, and you’re looking at minimum a grand for a new engine block. That’s sex.[to John]

Maybe I could just tell Matty to go f*** himself.[Ted]No way, dude, my dad’s a sadist. He thought Vietnam was fun.[John Bennett]Jesus, really?[Ted]Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came to pick him up. You don’t want to piss him off, man. He’ll kick you out of the house. You’ll starve.[John Bennett]What the hell kind of f***ed-up wish makes it so your teddy bear comes to life, but he’s still got to eat?[Ted]

Look, do you have any idea what it’s like to be the biggest star in the world and then nobody gives a s*** about you? I’m frigging Kirk Cameron.[to Blaire]

Life is a series of embarrassments. Bosses humiliating you, your wife nagging you all the time, going off to fight in the one war where you’re the bad guy.[to John]

Let’s go talk to her.[Ted]You f***ing kidding me? I’m not going to talk to Sheila Borgwat.[John Bennett]Borgwat? F***ing God, it just keeps getting worse.[Ted]

John the apostle. Jesus had an apostle named John.[Ted]Holy s***. Those were, like, his buddies, right?[John Bennett]Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Johnny, Blitzen, and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. There’s no doubt anymore. I’m the Lord Jesus Christ.[Ted]