Ted Quotes

You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? How fun it is.[to Blaire]

You are perfect just the way you are.[to Erin]

When you’re addicted to a substance, you can do anything you put your mind to.

What is a dad? It’s someone who believes in you, someone who roots for you to do your best, and who’s proud of you when you work hard and you win.

We’re watching pοrn. It’s either going to be creepy or tragic. Those are the choices.[to John]

We’re not all about smoking weed and scouring the beaches of the world looking for the perfect wave. We care.[to Blaire]

We look like suicide bombers having second thoughts.

Watching other people have sеx on a TV screen, that’s just about the coolest thing a person can do.

Wait. Matty charges you rent?[Ted]Not as much as I pay for an apartment, but still, 200 bucks a month.[Blaire Bennett]For that crappy room over the garage? Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn’t be caught dead in that place.[Ted]

Two men shouldn’t be singing harmony.[Matty Bennett]Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates?[John Bennett]That’s different.[Matty Bennett]Why?[Blaire Bennett]Because they sing in unison. Or they take turns, one and then the other one. That’s OK.[Matty Bennett]What about Crosby, Stills & Nash?[Ted]They’re all right for now. But I’m keeping my eye on them.[Matty Bennett]

This could be the day I start being cool.[John Bennett]Yeah, today is the day you told a girl you had diarrhea. Don’t put too much weight on today.[Ted]

They killed him?[Ted]Yeah.[Sarah]Oh, s***. Yeah, f*** that. I’m out. Wait, maybe I’m Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?[Ted][about Jesus]