Matty Bennett Quotes

Well, rich or poor, we all spend two hours a day on the toilet. Stool’s the great equalizer. Benjamin Franklin said that. In fact, until 1940, that’s what it said on the back of the dime.

Two men shouldn’t be singing harmony.[Matty Bennett]Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates?[John Bennett]That’s different.[Matty Bennett]Why?[Blaire Bennett]Because they sing in unison. Or they take turns, one and then the other one. That’s OK.[Matty Bennett]What about Crosby, Stills & Nash?[Ted]They’re all right for now. But I’m keeping my eye on them.[Matty Bennett]

There’s nothing shameful about human sexuality.[Blaire Bennett]You’ve never been in a strip club when the lights come on.[Matty Bennett]

Our boy has been invited to the prom.[Ted]What? Are you serious?[Blaire Bennett]Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Invited? She invited you?[Matty Bennett]Yeah.[John Bennett]See that, Susan? Still think the Clintons are harmless?[Matty Bennett]

Nobody gets the death penalty for s*** they didn’t do.[Matty Bennett]Oh, what about The Fugitive?[Susan Bennett]What?[Matty Bennett]Harrison Ford got convicted in that movie, and he was innocent.[Susan Bennett]He must have did something in another movie.[Matty Bennett]

Men and women have different parts, and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. Just give the motor a minute to warm up. If you gun it, you’re gonna blow a gasket, seize up, and you’re looking at minimum a grand for a new engine block. That’s sex.[to John]

Life is a series of embarrassments. Bosses humiliating you, your wife nagging you all the time, going off to fight in the one war where you’re the bad guy.[to John]

Justice is blind. You don’t think Stevie Wonder puts the mail in the toaster once in a while?

I’m pregnant.[Blaire Bennett]Holy s***![Ted]How can you be pregnant? You’re not married.[Matty Bennett]Wait, you’re dating guys again?[John Bennett]It was a one-night stand. I had to blow off some steam after things ended with Sarah.[Blaire Bennett]Yeah, I don’t think that happens from blowing.[Ted]

I’m not a racist! My favorite movie is “Rocky.”[Matty Bennett]How the f*** does that make you not racist?[Blaire Bennett]Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie.[Matty Bennett]So?[Blaire Bennett]So he’s a Black guy who wins against a white guy.[Matty Bennett]Oh, my God.[Blaire Bennett]I mean, it’s assuming you count Italians as whites, which I mostly do. Of course, they weren’t white up until the 1960s. They got a big bump after Korea. And it wasn’t so much they got more white, the Cubans got more Black, but I was OK with that too.[Matty Bennett]

I know it’s scary to think about what they might find, but early detection is–[Blaire Bennett]You think I’m worried about cancer? You get cancer, you don’t have to pay taxes.[Matty Bennett]I don’t think that’s true.[Blaire Bennett]Not if liberals have their way.[Matty Bennett]

Even when you’re technically on the right side, you still find a way to ruin it.[Blaire Bennett]What? I just said they’re not all smart. Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money.[Matty Bennett]That is beyond f***ing offensive.[Blaire Bennett]Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews.[Matty Bennett]