You son of a b**ch. This is kidnapping.[Ted]No, it’s not. Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you’re property.[Donny]Yeah, so is that f***ing hairpiece![Ted]
You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with d*cks?[Ted]Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right? I need help![John Bennett]There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny! Only guys with tits![Ted]
You realize we’re breaking the law here? I mean, maybe we should find another way to get the money.[Ted]We could sell all our weed.[John Bennett]Never mind. Robbery is fine.[Ted]
You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? How fun it is.[to Blaire]
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.[Frank Stevens]I f***ed her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.[Ted]That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you.[Frank Stevens]You got a lot of problems, don’t you?[Ted]
[unrated version only]You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we’re supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.[Frank Stevens]I f***ed her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.[Ted]That took guts. We need guts. I’m naming the store after you.[Frank Stevens]
You can do any ’90s song with just vowels.
When you’re addicted to a substance, you can do anything you put your mind to.
When you hear the sound of thunder Don’t you get too scared Just grab your thunder buddy And say these magic words F*** you, thunder You can suck my d*ck You can’t get me thunder ‘Cause you’re just God’s farts[singing]
What’s your middle name?[Ted]Leslie.[Samantha Jackson]Oh, my God! So, you’re Sam L. Jackson![Ted]That’s f***ing great! Just like Sam L. Jackson![John Bennett]Who is that?[Samantha Jackson]You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy.[Ted]
What is a dad? It’s someone who believes in you, someone who roots for you to do your best, and who’s proud of you when you work hard and you win.
We’re watching pοrn. It’s either going to be creepy or tragic. Those are the choices.[to John]
