Ted 2 Quotes

The new Superman is… Jonah Hill![Comic-Con Presenter]F***![John Bennett]

You son of a b**ch. This is kidnapping.[Ted]No, it’s not. Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you’re property.[Donny]Yeah, so is that f***ing hairpiece![Ted]

You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with d*cks?[Ted]Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right? I need help![John Bennett]There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny! Only guys with tits![Ted]

[unrated version only]You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we’re supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.[Frank Stevens]I f***ed her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.[Ted]That took guts. We need guts. I’m naming the store after you.[Frank Stevens]

What’s your middle name?[Ted]Leslie.[Samantha Jackson]Oh, my God! So, you’re Sam L. Jackson![Ted]That’s f***ing great! Just like Sam L. Jackson![John Bennett]Who is that?[Samantha Jackson]You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy.[Ted]

We just broke into Tom Brady’s house and tried to jerk him off. You’re ready to be a parent.[to Ted]

Sorry. You don’t mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.[Samantha Jackson]Oh, absolutely. Me too.[John Bennett]That’s fine. I’m gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.[Ted]

So, do you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPVU?[to Sam]

Sitting out here in a public, jerking off? Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?[to John]

Oh, my God. John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the “f***-me” eyes.[Ted]No, she wasn’t.[John Bennett]She was giving you the “f***-me” eyes.[Ted]What are the “f***-me” eyes?[Samantha Jackson]Yeah, it’s… some women just have “f***-me” eyes.[Ted]Do I have “f***-me” eyes?[Samantha Jackson]No, you have “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.[Ted]

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]Oh, my God![Female Nurse]Look, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.[John Bennett]We swear to God. It was an accident. We’re so sorry.[Ted]Well, I guess it’s all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.[Female Nurse]Oh, you hear that, Johnny? You’re covered in rejected black-guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.[Ted]

In the eyes of the world, I’ll always be property. But you know what? Who gives a s***? Right? I mean, it doesn’t matter what the world calls me. I know who I am. And that’s all that’s important.