You realize we’re breaking the law here? I mean, maybe we should find another way to get the money.[Ted]We could sell all our weed.[John Bennett]Never mind. Robbery is fine.[Ted]
Well, rich or poor, we all spend two hours a day on the toilet. Stool’s the great equalizer. Benjamin Franklin said that. In fact, until 1940, that’s what it said on the back of the dime.
We are young, and no one can tell us we’re wrong.
That’s what growing up’s all about. Making mistakes and letting your mother fix it all.
Nobody gets the death penalty for s*** they didn’t do.[Matty Bennett]Oh, what about The Fugitive?[Susan Bennett]What?[Matty Bennett]Harrison Ford got convicted in that movie, and he was innocent.[Susan Bennett]He must have did something in another movie.[Matty Bennett]
Maybe he’s not a cop. Maybe he’s a stripper.[Ted]Oh, yeah. ‘Cause sometimes they dress up like cops.[John Bennett]If he says you have the right to remain sexy, we’re in the clear.[Ted]
Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about O.J.?[Susan Bennett]Oh, let’s tell him Johnny’s gay. When he finds out it’s not true, he’ll be so relieved he won’t even care about O.J.[Ted]
Justice is blind. You don’t think Stevie Wonder puts the mail in the toaster once in a while?
Watch now on:
It’s kind of antisemitic to abort a potentially Jewish baby.
It’s easy to lose sight of, but drugs are always the solution.
If we promise to do better, will you help us put the house back together? For Mom?[John Bennett]Are you asking me because I’m a woman?[Blaire Bennett]No, I’m asking you because you’re the only non-idiot here.[John Bennett]
I’m pregnant.[Blaire Bennett]Holy s***![Ted]How can you be pregnant? You’re not married.[Matty Bennett]Wait, you’re dating guys again?[John Bennett]It was a one-night stand. I had to blow off some steam after things ended with Sarah.[Blaire Bennett]Yeah, I don’t think that happens from blowing.[Ted]
