I just made a choice. I am gonna be all alone for the rest of my life. That’s what I just decided in a five-minute phone call. Amazing, isn’t it?
I don’t want to wear champagne. It’s not a color. It’s what happens when white gets sad.[about her second wedding]
All right, everybody. Time’s up. Put your papers on my desk if they contain the correct answers. Otherwise, just don’t.[to his students]
Ah, well, I’m Jewish. When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.[Father O’Brien: I’ve known Mary all her life. I baptized her when she was just a week old.]
You’ve heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences.
You know, I woke up several times in the night thinking I’d imagined what I saw. Maybe someone slipped something into my drink. Lysergic acid. That’s a drug that makes you hallucinate. See colors, monsters, daughters saying horrible things on a showroom stage in front of a thousand people. It’s impossible, what I saw.[to Midge]
Yes. Married.[Joel Maisel: Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and you suddenly realize you’re not?]
Women are supposed to be mothers. It’s supposed to be natural. It comes with the t*ts, right? The equipment is pre-installed.
We have children. We will have to see each other forever. Until we are dead. And then for four to six months after.[to Joel]