I don’t want to wear champagne. It’s not a color. It’s what happens when white gets sad.[about her second wedding]
Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault.
Do you know what a dream is? A dream is what keeps you going in a job you hate.[to Midge]
Did I die?[after listening to the recording of her snoring, which stops abruptly]
Anyone who makes people think for themselves is very dangerous.
You are the frog. I am the scorpion. I sting because it is my nature.
The world is full of disappointments, and sometimes people let you down. You can’t just run away.
The greatest threat to humanity is ignorance. That’s why the free press is so important.
Tell that to a dog.[Rose Weissman: Bathrooms and parks are not the same.]
Spontaneity works until it doesn’t work. Then you’re stuck.[to Midge]
Shirley tells me you’re gonna be buried in Israel. Any idea when?[to Moishe]
My mother first told me to keep my knees closed until there’s a ring on my finger in the Catskills. Actually, she told me it was biologically impossible to have sex without a ring on your finger. Guess what, Mom, it’s not.
