Did I die?[after listening to the recording of her snoring, which stops abruptly]
You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal you’re perfectly reasonable and they’re a jerk? And then the argument actually happens and they’re reasonable but that’s not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk?
The world is full of disappointments, and sometimes people let you down. You can’t just run away.
That’s my suitcase. You going to leave me with my suitcase?[to Joel]
Tell that to a dog.[Rose Weissman: Bathrooms and parks are not the same.]
Spontaneity works until it doesn’t work. Then you’re stuck.[to Midge]
Shirley tells me you’re gonna be buried in Israel. Any idea when?[to Moishe]
My mother first told me to keep my knees closed until there’s a ring on my finger in the Catskills. Actually, she told me it was biologically impossible to have sex without a ring on your finger. Guess what, Mom, it’s not.
Just because there is a door does not mean you use it. A door does not represent infinite possibilities.
If women don’t realize what’s going on in the world, they won’t step in and fix it.
I still control this house! I’m just doing it from in there.
I stay here. And I sweat. And I smell like a bum. And I’m miserable, and I want to kill people. And I do that till it gets cold.[Miriam ‘Midge’ Maisel: What do you do for the summer?]
