I just want you to know how much I admire you guys. I could never be brave enough to wear the same outfit every day.
I haven’t had anyone look at me that coldly since I had my mother deported.
I got up at 9:30. In the morning. You know the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning? It was the last time I stayed out all night and got home at 9:30 in the morning.[to Midge]
I don’t think they let you get married here if you’re sober.[Joel Maisel: How can they just let two people drunk off their asses get married like that?]
I admit that sometimes I don’t listen to you, but this time, I was listening to you when you did not tell me that you schtupped my best friend.[to Rose]
Hey, should I get a secretary? Harry has three secretaries. That’s when you know you made it, when there’re three dumpy broads sitting outside your office that know all your s***.[to Midge]
Hey, she stole my childhood. I think we’re even.[Miriam ‘Midge’ Maisel: You stole your mother’s car?]
First time at a jazz club, raise your hand. Just me? Wow. Only virgin. Losing my virginity to a bunch of jazz musicians, every Jewish mother’s worst nightmare.
Failure is how we grow. Actually, it’s how men grow. It’s how women shrink.
Everything that’s happening is all your fault. I was very happy being me. I didn’t need to be equal or stand up for myself. I was fine. I have gone my entire life with other people making all my decisions, and I loved it! You, you put this in my head. You made me passionate and independent and broke![to Midge]
Everyone in this idiotic business is an idiot. You ever meet someone in show business who’s not an idiot, then they’re an a**hole. It’s a business of idiots and a**holes.
Comedy is fueled by oppression, by the lack of power, by sadness and disappointment, by abandonment and humiliation. Now, who the hell does that describe more than women? Judging by those standards, only women should be funny.
