I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the ’60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it’s possible a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing.
I’m an early bird, and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and I have worms.
I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.
I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I’m better at hiding than they are at vision.
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on![before the Hot Dog eating contest]
I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.[about Jan’s boob job]
I would have never called him that if I knew. You don’t call retarded people “retards.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.[about Oscar being gay]
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
I want him to have all the urine he needs.[to Angela, about Michael]
I think this is gonna work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven’t been there in months.