In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “How, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van.[to Michael]
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts… Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
So I can lower it.[Pam Beesly: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?]
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Downsizing? Yeah, I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.
Wow, you’ll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. Forget about retiring when you’re 65. Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that’s where the nurse can live.
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.
