If anything calls for a spit take, it’s the words “school in Queens.”
I’m only gonna say this once, so pay attention… thank you.[to Joel]
I’m fine by myself. My mantra since I was three.
I just want you to know how much I admire you guys. I could never be brave enough to wear the same outfit every day.
I haven’t had anyone look at me that coldly since I had my mother deported.
I don’t think they let you get married here if you’re sober.[Joel Maisel: How can they just let two people drunk off their asses get married like that?]
Failure is how we grow. Actually, it’s how men grow. It’s how women shrink.
At some point, every Jew must live in Florida. It’s in the Torah.
3:00 in the afternoon… A pen, a notebook and a drink. All you need is a social disease, and you are officially a road comic.[to Midge]
