Well, that’s not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part… Assuming that we don’t get downsized.
Was this year’s Dundies a success? Well, let me see. I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people, and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And, at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.[about the sexual harassment policy]
This is our warehouse, or as I like to call it, the wh**ehouse. But don’t you call it that, I’ve earned the right.[to Ryan]
There’s a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best looking person in the development. It’s just sort of common sense, because if you are, then you’ve no place to go but down.
There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. “I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.” And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It’s one of my dreams.
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.