Michael Scott Quotes

You don’t go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight and you know science.

Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I’ve heard women and children first, but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.[after running out of the office because of the fire alarm]

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy’s lake.

Who’s ahead in points?[Michael Scott]I think they’re even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don’t really know how to compare those units.[Pam Beesly]Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.[Michael Scott]I really doubt it, Michael.[Pam Beesly]Please just check.[Michael Scott]

When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.

What you’re saying is extremely misogynistic.[Karen Filippelli]Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.[Michael Scott]I’m saying that you’re being sexist.[Karen Filippelli]No. I’m being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.[Michael Scott]That’s the same thing.[Karen Filippelli]Michael.[Phyllis Vance]Yes.[Michael Scott]When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.[Phyllis Vance]Because… that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.[Michael Scott]And when we get mad, you always ask us if we’re on our periods.[Angela Martin]I have to know whether you’re serious or not.[Michael Scott]

What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced.[to Toby]

Well, that’s not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part… Assuming that we don’t get downsized.

Webster’s dictionary defines wedding as “the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.” Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.