I thought my secretary told you to eat before you came.[Susie Myerson: Okay, look, I came here to eat s*** so just let me eat it.]
Hey, she stole my childhood. I think we’re even.[Miriam ‘Midge’ Maisel: You stole your mother’s car?]
Everyone in this idiotic business is an idiot. You ever meet someone in show business who’s not an idiot, then they’re an a**hole. It’s a business of idiots and a**holes.
Comedy is fueled by oppression, by the lack of power, by sadness and disappointment, by abandonment and humiliation. Now, who the hell does that describe more than women? Judging by those standards, only women should be funny.
Big room is just more people to fall in love with you.[to Midge]
Bald men can be attractive… with the right hat.
All comics are comics ’cause something in their lives went horribly wrong. Something went to s***.
