All beings of the universe are different. For instance, my people are brilliant. Humans, on the other hand, are so dumb that they think the leading cause of death is heart disease. It’s not. It’s almond milk. Even the Grey aliens won’t touch the stuff. Despite their differences, there is one truth that connects all beings. Life doesn’t ever go as planned.
I do not understand why humans celebrate their births. Everyone who is alive has been born. It is not special. A birthday party is just a participation trophy.
Why do these creatures choose to spend their lives with someone else? It’s bad enough they’re already tethered to each other through family. My people do family the right way. We don’t care if they live or die.
I see now it’s not the food that brings humans together. It’s each other. There is a basic human need to feel like you belong. It feels good.
Humans live to consume, and their appetites are endless. They drop garbage on the ground wherever they go. Earth is like a house they’ve lit on fire but continue to live in, and they use the Earth’s resources to make ugly things like teal Crocs and truck ducks.
Humans do not look forward. They have memories that force them to look backwards. The alien in me only failed my mission once, but the human in me has relived that failure a thousand times. Why would I think about it if it’s painful? Maybe humans like pain as much as they like pie.
With my people coming to kill everyone on Earth, I will need a bunker to survive. I will fix it up and present it to Asta as her new home. We will live, and all the beer-drinking douchebags can fry.
Watch now on:
When have you ever seen me take a backseat? I don’t even sit in the backseat of a car. If I hail a cab, I sit shotgun or I drive[to Ben]
Well, now you know how Earth felt when you got here.[Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not like having people at my house uninvited.]
To say my species is more advanced than humans would be a massive understatement. If the universe had a scale for intelligence, humans would land right below lizards.