Humor Quotes

Is your idiot brain getting f***еd by stupid? It’s not rhetorical.[to Ashley]

If you want to watch me have a w*nk, it’ll cost you a tenner.[to Homelander]

I’ll just take your blood pressure. Then we’ll get you on the treadmill.[Doctor]If you put me on a treadmill, you’ll be done for manslaughter.[Jackson Lamb]

If we promise to do better, will you help us put the house back together? For Mom?[John Bennett]Are you asking me because I’m a woman?[Blaire Bennett]No, I’m asking you because you’re the only non-idiot here.[John Bennett]

If people are happy to spend time in this building after 5:00 p.m., then I’m not really doing my job.[to River and Sid]

If my years in regional theater and wild orgies have taught me anything, it’s that there is no getting rid of glitter.

If it’s not in a text with emojis, you kids can’t read for s***.

If I was gonna write a diary, it wouldn’t be a diary, it’d be a f***ing journal.

Got a pretty good appetite for someone who was just shot at.[Stacy Beale]If I stopped eating every time someone tried to hurt me, I’d be a skeleton.[Dwight Manfredi]

I’ve got other things I could do tonight. I’ve got a really massive s*** brewing. I could sit and read a book and birth that beauty.[to Diana]

I’m telling you, these people are killers. They played Monopoly start to finish and no one flipped the board over. Sociopathic.

I’m sure you can cope for one day without me. Can make a lads’ night out of it.[Lucy Betts-Taylor]A lads’ night? Well, what exactly does that entail?[John Taylor]I don’t know? I’ve never been a “lad”.[Lucy Betts-Taylor]Neither have I.[John Taylor]Yeah, and I’m pretty borderline, to be fair.[Henry Betts-Taylor]